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There are 4 guys in a car, 1 from Iowa, 1 from
Wisconsin, 1 from Florida, and 1 from Illinois.
The guy from Florida says "I'm tired of seeing oranges everyday" so he throws
some oranges out the window.
So then the guy from Iowa says "I'm tired of seeing Corn everyday" so he throws
some corn out the window.
The guy from Wisconsin is very inspired so he opens the door and pushes the guy
from Illinois out of the car!
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" Says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
Ticket, please."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can
explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you
that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets
back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A local business was looking for office help. They
put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the
chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect
letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him,
then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be
good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The
dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the
first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said
"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said
"yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
During the Super Bowl, there was another football
game of note between the big animals and the little animals.
The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a
passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.
The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino
was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the
elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" Demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
Q: What kind of person steals soap?
A: A dirty crook
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls
him on his cell phone.
"Honey, be careful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving
the wrong way."
To this the man replies, "One? There's millions of 'em!"
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or
openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!
GOOGTOOT