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The Theory of Everything
A man and his dog were walking along
a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was
dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered
where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone
wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the
sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the
way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt
road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning
against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't
be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink
himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" The traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that
was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out
the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a
terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!
As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon,
he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.
But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm
from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only
survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever
seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her
back to good health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get
"those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk?"
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you
would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman
walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when
the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
Get in line."
GOOGTOOT