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At 3 am a desk clerk at a
hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at
noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins
at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have
room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Once there lived a man who had a
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl; she
will never go for this kind of carrying on."
So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married
shortly thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk
home.
On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled
baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could
not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,” Darling,
I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated
himself.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him
vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he
shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner.
He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made
the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned
vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his
freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that
he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty
names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours
without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you
fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know
when you're cold?"
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets
home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get
home."
And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."
A dietician was once addressing a
large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat
it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the
first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Canada's Ottawa Citizen Newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
A friend and I were standing in line
at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD
a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
A Mexican family crosses over the
border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But
the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big
hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please
show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the
hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man
opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at
his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight
home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to
make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?"
she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...
As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'
GOOGTOOT