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Flex GymOlympic Games 1928 Amsterdam
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink
this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex
life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but
also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of
mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth
of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to
give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,”
You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They
have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game.
The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.
With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green.
Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy
his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a
great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open
the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"!
The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her
instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while.
His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with
them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough;
another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again
he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend,
wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."
There were these two best friends out playing golf one
beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even
close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball
sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his
7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the
ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful
field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are
ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your
punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so
funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Puss
willows."
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have
sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" Said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go
over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and
fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and
grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his
claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the
green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" Asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes,
careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and
stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" Sighed the priest.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet
to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people
you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent
-- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of
the same day.
GOOGTOOT